Choosing Self

It has taken 35 years to accept within myself that it is okay to do what feels right for me and to eliminate all the other noise—the noise that cripples me into thinking I need to consider how my actions are affecting another person and fearing the judgement my actions may create from others. A simpler way to say this is, I have finally stopped giving a fuck—most days. I still struggle and allow my head to get wrapped up in the noise sometimes and I do my best to remind myself often that this life I am living is mine, and not to be lived to appease others. This is advice I have heard for a long through various outlets—to stop giving a fuck about things that are not directly important to me. I have been reminded time and time again that it is a waste of my energy to worry about how I may be perceived because of what I am doing for myself to be happy. This includes the day to day adventures and what I choose to do with my time, to larger life choices in how I live and paths I walk down to experience life how I need to.
Let me explain how ridiculous my concerns with others opinions was becoming. One day here in Mexico (we are living here for a four-month stint) my husband left on a walk while I was tied up on a work phone call. He did not leave a note and I did not know what time to expect him back. Hours had passed since he had left the house and I was packing up for a late afternoon outing that I had planned. We only have one key to our home in Mexico and you must lock the door from the outside, with the key. If I took the key and locked the door, my husband would be locked out. If I left the door unlocked, our house was open for anyone to enter and possibly take our belongings—and I had no idea how long he would still be out. It was a risk to leave and not lock the door as our door tends to push open in the breeze.
I text my husband to find out when he would be home and after 15 minutes I had still not heard back. I wanted to leave and I was becoming frustrated that I felt stuck in this dilemma of if I should leave with the door unlocked so he had access, or stay and wait for his return, missing out on my outing.
And then it dawned on me. No one was stopping me from leaving except for myself. I could go on my outing and leave the door unlocked. I was creating the dilemma. My husband had not communicated his plans for return, so I could sit there and become resentful over the fact that he had been gone for hours and adjust my plans due to the issue of locking the door, or I could continue with my plans and do what I wanted, and not let the overlap of our plans be an issue. Yes, this required me accepting the fact that I was leaving our home unlocked for an unknown amount of time…with all our valuable stuff. My choice to leave had some risk, but as I sat there thinking about it, I asked myself what was truly holding me back. I realized I was worried about what my husband would think. I was worried that if someone did break in and take our valuables, that it would be viewed as my fault. Taking a step back and looking at this situation from a 30,000 ft view, I recognized that this situation was the result of poor communication between my husband and I. This was not a life or death situation. Choosing to go out anyways was not disrespecting anyone or making such a monumental mistake that we would never recover. Again, there were some risks, but was it worth not going out due to fear of what could happen?
I left. I went out anyways. I left that damn door unlocked. Ten minutes later, my husband responded to my text and let me know he was almost home. Everything worked out fine.
The example I use above is a little silly I think, but it sets me up for what I am sharing with you: do more of what you want and stop adjusting your actions based off fear or out of concern with what others may think.
In situations where you are feeling the dilemma of others thoughts, opinions, or judgements against your own choice of action, stop and breathe. Step back to a 30,000 foot view. What do you see?
I am guilty of living my life in an over analytical bubble where all my actions and words have been chosen based out of fear of what others may think, or how I might bother someone else by owning my wants and acting how I need, but the countless fucks I have given have become too heavy for me to mentally or emotionally carry. I have hit my maximum limit of fucks.
This is my advice—do what you want. Live and speak in a way where you feel authentic to who you are and do not alter yourself based on the idea you may be judged or affect someone else. Of course, do not be an asshole. Treat people the way you want to be treated and be considerate. You can be a nice and pleasant person while also owning your truths.