After years of moving boxes from one home to the next (literally 9 or 10 homes), my husband and I have landed in Mexico. We purchased a quaint home in the Michoacan state in a small colonial town known as Patzcuaro.
Ending up in Mexico was intentional, the dream for as long as I have known my husband. We worked hard to get here and we had to make a lot of changes and shuffle our cards time and time again, even when we liked the hand we were holding. We played the game called life, and finally, we landed on the winning tile.
When we arrived in Patzcuaro three weeks ago and began to settle into this new part of our life, I was humbled. Here we were, emerged in a moment that we had been longing for, yet both of us were looking at one another overwhelmed and asking “now what?” There was a lack of excitement, and an overabundance of, “oh shit.”
We had a goal. We spent years making change after change and losing sleep over what next step to take to align everything perfectly. So, on that first evening here in Mexico, as we sat in the courtyard of our new home under the bright green lime tree, bellies full of homemade tortillas and carnitas, we were tight chested and glancing at one another in complete doubt. I was at a loss and frustrated that this was how we were feeling. Where was the exuberance of joy and self-rejuvenation? Why were we feeling more anxious than relaxed?
Did we do the right thing?
My husband and I awoke the next morning after restless sleep and agreed that for the next few weeks we would take it day by day. We would be open about what we were feeling. We spent our days venturing the town, miles of cobblestone streets walked. We sat in coffee shops and watched the locals bustle around. We milled around local stores and found our favorite vendors that supplied us with fresh ingredients and staple items.
Fast forward to the present moment.
Tomorrow, we head back to the states for the holidays. The time here has flown by and the girl sitting under the lime tree, feeling perplexed and confused, has vanished.
I look around our home here in Mexico, tidied up and ready for out departure.This space that once overwhelmed me I now feel empty leaving, a departure I don’t want to make.
What I’ve come to realize is that even in the things we know we want, the dreams we long for… even when we get them… they too challenge us.
There is something in longing someone or some item, or a lifestyle. There is a process required to get there, or a challenge to overcome to obtain it (or not). It is a journey. So when you make it to the end of the road, when you climb to the top of that mountain you have been climbing, what is next? For us, there was a sense of “oh shit… we are here, now what?”
My advice? Sit in that discomfort. Dive into the new adventure, even when feeling overwhelmed or insecure, unsure, scared, or wondering if you have made a mistake. Push past the self-doubt because there is a lesson in every new adventure, and there is space to expand and grow.
That first evening in Mexico under the lime tree, I looked at my husband and I told him, “maybe this does not become the dream we thought we wanted, and maybe at the end of this stay we recognize that this is a very short story of our lives… people love short stories!”
Well folks, the story is continuing and the next chapter starts when we return here to our home in Mexico, come January 2019.
While this adventure indeed proved to be the dream we spent years working toward, it started rockier than we had anticipated, and there were lessons to learn.
Change, whether expected or not… whether wanted or disliked, takes some getting use to. You’ve got to be willing to plunge into the deep end and while the water may feel shocking and cold at first, the temperature eventually mellows and the swim can become quite nice.
Bright White Canvas 