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…….. This is me thinking. It happens a lot. I live inside my head more than I would like, and it is something I am always working on. I want to spend less time worrying or caring about how I am perceived by the world. I want it, so like…just do it.
I am working on strengthening the muscles of my mind that I love and enjoy: dreaming, being creative, discovering new ideas, reminiscing on fond memories, contemplating what is next for me, pondering big life questions, finding beauty in simple things. I remind myself every day to let go of the pesky thoughts that result in loss of sleep, questioning myself, worrying over people or situations that amount to wasted moments of time. I am a work in progress. Aren’t we all?
I have been putting this first blog post off because I have wanted something profound to say – waiting for the perfect unison of words to come to me… voila! I imagined it happening like the scene in The Wizard Of Oz when the good witch floats down as a iridescent bubble, landing in front of Dorothy to reveal herself. I’ve been waiting for the big reveal and it hasn’t happen, a good reminder that life has its own agenda and will likely not happen how I want or anticipate.
So here are my thoughts, without the help of the good witch.
There are a lot of benefits to routine, like the fact that I always get up and get my workouts in, and I always make time to enjoy my cup of tea with honey and cream. I prepare meals every Sunday which allows for healthy eating during the week. Yet, routine can hinder opportunity. There are chances that pass me by to learn something new and to expand on life lessons because of my need for structure. I know this about myself, and I challenge myself more and more to L E T G O and dive into the newness of things.
You will never know what the world has to offer if you don’t explore it… even if you are simply exploring your own backyard.
How is my life sitting, unchanged, due to missed opportunity to expand? How am I choosing to not grow as an individual by doing the same, day in and day out?
I was invited to coffee by a woman in Astoria, Oregon, the town that we recently relocated to. The gesture was nice and I was complimented that she invited me. I also left the invite unanswered in my inbox for days. I was hesitant to meet someone new and to put energy into letting her get to know me… because letting someone in and showing up to someone I do not know creates unpredictability, and I do my best to avoid the unpredictable.
Well, if you are curious, she was great, and our connection could have not come at a better time. I walked away from our time together feeling confident, excited, and blessed to have met her. She had coffee, I had tea.
Our lives change when people come in and out of them. I gain nothing by ignoring new encounters and adventures. Our coffee date could have amounted to nothing more than friendly conversation and I could have left indifferent. Would that matter? Isn’t it better to take the gamble and see what opportunity might be knocking? What is the harm in spending a morning doing something different and interacting with a new person?
Over the past 35 years, I have learned a lot about myself, the biggest lesson being that I will always be learning, improving, and becoming a better me. I’ve done a shitty job in the past at capturing my reflections and making sense of the lessons placed in front of me. I realize now that each lesson in my life has been its own, with an identity and a story. To bind all my lessons together into one book, or to paint them all on one canvas would not work. The colors of each lessons would not flow together, the textures and depth are too much for one space. To write all my lessons down into one story would make for a roller coaster plot that would only confuse the reader. Instead, I believe all the lessons in my life are a painting, or a story all their own, and together in the end, whenever that time comes for me, I will have a collection of pieces.
I am underway, 35 years late, and I have no idea what will come of this. My hope is that this experience will continue to push me outside of comfort and reward me in greater confidence, just like the teabag said. Either way, it will be another lesson to paint, a story to write.
Bright White Canvas 